Things have been quiet over here on the blog for a couple of weeks. And no, it’s not just because I been having ‘me time’ (because I swear, the second I hit publish on that blog -I’ve gotten anything but that!)
I’ve yearned to write and tell you guys everything. But the problem with being a vulnerable storyteller is that – not all stories are mine to tell.
One thing is for sure though, if they were, I would be publishing a best selling novel with all of the craziness that has been circulating through the lives of the people that I love lately.
Something must be going on in the planets right now. I am not heavy into astrology, but I love to follow and study up on it when I can – and it’s usually bang on for me personally.
One thing that astrologers have said about 2015 or the ‘year of the sheep’ is that many of us would find the need to go-within, heal, feel our pain to grow, and go quiet.
I wasn’t sure if I believed this coming off of 2014’s the ‘year of the horse’, which was one of the most explosive, transformative and high paced years of my life. But last years prediction was extremely accurate, and I can honestly say, this year has been the very same.
However, as life goes – this healing process has not played out how I predicted it to. I pictured myself with nothing going on in my life. Just sitting and feeling my feelings because I have so much time to heal.
NO. Life is playing out the exact opposite.
I got engaged this year, I have 14 bridesmaids and each of them comes with their own engagements, wedding showers, bachelorettes, baby showers, kids birthdays, their own birthdays, and so on. I have a financé and parents and step-parents and grandparents and relatives and new in-laws and other dear friends – all of whom have the same types of events that they want the people they love to be around for.
I’m so incredibly blessed. I know that. There is not a day that goes by that I am not thankful for the love in my life. It’s one of the most solid parts of my life – and thinking of that changing hurts my soul.
But, it’s a lot.
I’m sure many of you have been here. Sometimes I wish I could have a vacation reply on my text messages, or runaway to a deserted island just to catch my breath. Far enough that when I couldn’t make it to someone’s (everyone’s) events, they would understand. Far enough that they know I still love them, but simply I can’t make it.
I’ve gotten good at saying no. But when you keep saying no, people feel like they aren’t important to you. But they are!
The problem is those that are the most important because they are family or have been my best friend for over 20 years. Those people seem to be hurting the most right now. And when they hurt, I hurt.
But again, they are not my stories to tell.
So I stay quiet and alone, or coaching them with their problems and I ignore all of my other wonderful people because I just can’t deal with anything more.
To be clear, it’s not helping the people I love that I’m having trouble dealing with. I love to be there for my people.
It’s more so in the deep parts of me that their pain is touching – it’s awakening things I didn’t know I had buried inside. It’s as if their pain was meant to help heal me. (Which seems ironic and unfair.)
That is the funny thing about this ‘year of the sheep’.
I don’t want to be going within. I want to be spreading myself thin to make everyone happy as I always have in the past. Because that is my place of comfort and how I have earned all of my beautiful friends – and leaving that place makes me fearful that things will change.
But things are changing. It’s like something deep inside of me is forcing me to feel things I have covered up with my quintessential busy-ness, over-achieving friend role, and all the other vices I’ve used in my lifetime. My therapist says letting go of those ‘roles’ is a really important part of growing and healing. I guess that’s why they call them growing pains.
You see, there is a lot of alcoholism in my family. Not the kind of alcoholism you would picture from the movies though. I grew up feeling very loved. Life has just always been a party. But also very chaotic and unorganized. And many of the adults who were my role models as a child had always dealt with their problems with alcohol.
And I developed a stronger bond than most with childhood girlfriends very early. I admired the normalcy in their lives, and I added the fun and wild side to our friendships that I had learned in my life.
Of course, being too tied up in the lives of sick family members, or friends who have their own growing to do, was not healthy for me. But it was survival and it was my normal.
My family life is great now and many of those most important to me are in recovery, and I still have my same best friends from all those years ago. But I also have a lot of pain deep down, as we all do.
The thing is that my life for the first time in all of my 32 years seems calm, together, organized and – it just feels right. I guess you need to be in a good place to truly release, because the ‘year of the sheep’ has pretty much been a bulldozer in getting those old feelings out.
However, that damn sheep is using the pain of people I love to hit nerves inside of me I never knew existed!
I cry deeper at their pain than I need to, because it’s mine too.
I get angrier than I need to, because it’s an old wound.
But I’m also more level headed and staying away from vices and toxic ways in relationships and friendships more than I ever have – because I’m in a good enough place to recognize what is happening.
Basically, I am feeling all my goddamn feelings. And there are a heck of a lot of them that have been stored away over my lifetime that are just dying to be released.
It makes me so happy when I get a quiet few days to write, reflect, feel, cry, exercise, eat well and let my soul do what it needs to.
And to my friends who are reading this. I love you. I promise I will be back. I’m just growing into a better version of me.
Because that is what healing is. Healing is feeling.