This week on January 7, it’s my 37th birthday.
I’ve been spending a lot of time in reflection about how I truly feel about this birthday and why. The truth is, for the last few years I’ve been pretty anxious hitting a new birthday and age.
So, I wanted to get honest with myself about it.
Up until just a few years ago, I loved my birthday. Like really, really loved it.
Being born so early in the year, I would always hit the next age before all of my friends, even if just by a few weeks. I deeply embraced growing a year older each birthday, and have always felt excited for the next year to come.
Capricorn season, new beginnings, new year, new age. I fully welcomed it always. Usually surrounded by an obscene amount of people with a party dress on!
Then a couple of years ago I began to experience recurrent miscarriage. All (and I mean all) of my friends were having children, while I was losing them. It was excruciating. And honestly, although I’m in a better place now mentally – it still is.
The miscarriages started at 34. My plan was always to have kids at 35 for as long as I can remember. 35 would come with more losses, and would also end up being my hardest and most life changing year to date. Then there was 36, still no kids. IVF that year, which resulted in losing our daughter at just over 12 weeks. Yet another miscarriage later in the year, which was honestly not that long ago.
And now I’m 37 in two days at the time I’m writing this blog.
I share these details because in my deep reflections, I’ve realized that this is the single reason I am anxious about birthdays now.
It’s not aging, it’s not in vainity, it’s not feeling like I’m too old or that I haven’t lived an incredible life (because I have). It’s that life feels like it’s moving at full speed, and the thing we want the most, just keeps passing us by.
The reason I felt called to share this is because when we feel anxious, depressed, sad or any other negative feeling, especially over a life milestone – its important to be reflective.
It’s important to acknowledge your feelings and hold space for yourself to feel them fully.
Because do I want to demonize one the most exciting times in my life? Do I want to dread an entire age or year just because things are not going according to my plans?
This has also in many unexpected ways been one of the best few years of my life. My biggest accomplishment: learning boundaries. I finally grew a backbone and learned to say no. I let go of the ‘disease to please’ others.
But I also found my dream career. I worked with thousands of women world wide. I launched a top podcast with my husband. I purchased my first home. I purchased investment properties. I traveled. I spoke on stages and appeared in media outlets. I met friends that get me on a soul level. The losses which could have ruined my marriage, instead made it the best relationship/partnership/friendship I’ve ever known.
And honestly, so much more.
One of my incredible girlfriends said something to me this year that helped me on a level I can not explain. She said “Miscarriage is the same soul baby, pushing you to where you are meant to be before you enter motherhood.”
Whoa! Talk about an ‘aha’ moment for me. It was everything my soul needed to hear. The only thing that could make all this loss and change and pain make sense.
I look back on how different everything is over the last few years, it makes so much sense.
This has helped me to find a place of calm and trust. Like I can just relax and enjoy the ride because all I desire was already on the way. My life just needs to reach new levels first.
So, as I am on the doorstep of 37 – I’m conscious to do so with a grateful heart.
Am I anxious about turning another year older before I have a family? I’d be a huge liar if I said no. But I also know it’s beyond my control and the only thing I can do is trust in a plan greater than my own, focus on what I do have and embrace this new year with an open heart and mind.
This year my intention is to focus on what feels good. That’s it. For me right now that less about obsessing over trying to control something that is uncontrollable and more about how I can make a greater impact, help more people and live a life where I feel happy, fulfilled and aligned in everything I do.
37, let’s do this.